We love to talk about psychological safety for adults - but what about kids?
One of my kids told me that they were sat out of a game in PE because they were not playing it properly.
When asked if they felt they could self advocate and tell the teacher they felt they had been doing the right thing, they replied, “No, he says talking back is disrespectful.”
Another one of my kids told me a teacher was mean. When I asked why, they told me that they had once gone to the toilet, and when they returned to class the teacher promoted them to get on with their work. They voiced that they’d missed the instructions, and the teacher replied, “No excuses.”
How would you respond if anybody did or said anything like that to you?
We know kids can sometimes say things that are not word for word how an event took place. i.e. They may be paraphrasing to convey the message they FELT.
When I have raised examples like these in schools, the leadership response is often defensive and literal, with reassurance that a teacher would never have said what was reported. This mindset is even more concerning.
Why? Because it doesn’t matter what was said exactly.
What matters is how a child felt.
What matters is the fact that a child does not experience secure attachment to their teacher.
What matters is the fact that these children will struggle to learn from their teachers unless trust can be established or re-built (a devastating ‘sentence’ only half way through Term 1 - If this was the way you felt in your job, you’d resign).
What matters is that these kids’ nervous systems will rest in a sympathetic dominant state (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) in class and they will be MORE LIKELY, due to reduced capacity, to make MISTAKES that will again be MISINTERPRETED as bad behaviour.
Whether you’re a teacher, or a parent who sometimes moves too quickly to judge your child’s behaviour, this is important information to know.
How to change?
Start with awareness.
Many of us are operating on scripts our own teachers and parents used, especially when our own nervous systems are feeling overwhelmed - Caring for 25 kids with admin pressure for measurable academic outcomes will do that to you (I’ll discuss that further in another post).
We need a ‘hard reset’ on the foundational principles of child development. These principles are not wishy washy values, they’re evidence based facts:
All children are good
All children are wired to be guided (& behave) for safe and trusted adults.
A child’s behaviour tells us about their skills and how their nervous system is feeling in that moment (not whether they’re deciding to be ‘good’ or ‘bad’)
Impulsive, distractible and challenging behaviour is a flag that calls for curiosity and problem solving. Every. Single. Time.
If you’re a parent or teacher who has ever thought a child has ‘regulated’ after you have spoken to them about their behaviour/explained why it was bad/wrong/inappropriate etc. Sorry, but regulation has been confused with suppression. They have suppressed their needs in order to protect their relationship with you.
Incredible, isn’t it?
That kids who are struggling can sometimes dig even deeper to mask their needs and display compliance.
If you’re a teacher or parent who wants support, I hope you’ll connect. This year I will be releasing two picture books - kicking off with the one for classrooms.
Many teachers and kids are struggling. There is a lot of talk about a need to change the system. I don’t disagree, but I also know we can effect significant positive change within existing systems.
The first book, ‘In Our Classroom,’ has been designed to support adults & kids by establishing mutual understanding and facilitating establishment of trust-based relationships, as smoothly as possible.
For those interested, you can pre-order my book here: